funk...

...that's the word that describes my mood this week. Funk. And not like cool, George Clinton funk...more like Eeyore, rain cloud following kind of funk. Funny since it's actually been raining all week. Hmmm...maybe it's not all in my head! No, it is. I know it is, but I can't snap out of it. No matter how hard I try I feel like there are some days that I'm just barely keeping myself afloat. Of course I do have a 14 year old to take care of so I turn it around as best as I can when he's home, but while he's at school...game on. I think it's this profound sense of lack of control over events, major events, that are starting to shape my life. For 2 months now we've been waiting to find out what is going to happen with my husband and the impending deployment of some sort. We've not been through this before. Ever. Sure, he was active Army for about 8 years, but there was never anything other than schools and field exercises...we were SO lucky. Now, as a member of the Army Reserves, it looks like the time has come. The problem is that there are so many options of what could happen. He could go here or there or both for 6 months or 12 months or 2 different 6 month mobilizations...it seriously makes my head spin. Just when I think "this is it, this is the plan", everything changes again. It looks likely that at least part of this mobilization will be in Afghanistan...could be this year, could be next year...could be 6 months, could be a year...see what I mean??? It's dizzying to the point of being nauseating. I have friends, brave, wonderful women, who go through this once every couple of years (sometimes more often!). This is their life. I don't know how they do it. I truly don't. I can't seem to function in all of this uncertainty. It's not as much about where or for how long, it's just a matter of not having any sort of answer. Funk. Funk. Funk. My child starts high school this year. Funk. I'm turning 40 at the end of this year. Funk. My husband is being taken away. Funk.

Okay...bright side. My wonderful child has made it all the way to high school. Bright side. I've lived long enough to make it to my 40th birthday. Bright side. My husband will be doing a job that in the end is bigger than any of us and is a selfless act of bravery. Bright side. I do realize that every situation is shaped by the way that you look at it and approach it. And while this week seems to be my wallowing in self pity week, it will give way to weeks of gratitude and pride. I do think that we need to allow ourselves the whole spectrum of emotions that come along with any event, big or small. It's okay to be sad, angry, hurt, scared...just don't let it run your life in the end. Sometimes we need to give in to the funk and give it it's due...and then, with any luck, cast it aside for brighter days.