:: there IS an I in isolation ::

Well...one would think that with this whole pandemic madness, I'd have plenty of time to sit here and write blog after blog. True, the time is there. So what the heck is my problem??? I'm going to be honest - I apparently don't pandemic well. I see all of these people who are productive and motivated, despite being stuck at home. I see these truly heroic people going to work day in and day out to make sure that we're safe, cared for, and functioning. I see parents who are maybe not loving the idea of homeschooling, but are stepping up to the plate and doing the best they can in an awful situation. There are teachers who have completely had to adapt their way of teaching from in person to online. The list goes on and on. Among my siblings alone, I have a social worker seeing clients virtually, a college professor posting prerecorded lessons and holding Zoom classes and office hours, a postal carrier who is working 7 days a week most weeks (and his girlfriend who is a high school chemistry teacher trying to make that work somehow), and a medical office employee who has been temporarily laid off and figuring out how to make ends meet until she can go back to work. These are incredibly difficult times for everyone in many different ways. I am struggling. Not always and not catastrophically, but struggling nonetheless. I cannot work because I am not essential. I am not one of those people that gets every project that's been waiting in the wings done because now there's unlimited time. I am someone whose biggest accomplishment on some days is taking the dog for a walk or taking a shower. I know how ridiculous that sounds, and certainly that's not every day, but it absolutely is some of them. I don't know why this happens, but I know that it does and I've learned to let it happen. Some days it's just necessary to get caught up in your feelings. I'm not saying it's healthy to stay there, but certainly to acknowledge the fact that this is hard and scary and so uncertain. I don't have a kid at home anymore. I wish more than anything that I could hug him every day and let him know that I'm here for him. His birthday is this weekend. 23 years old. We can't have a party or go out to dinner and really shouldn't even probably see him (I will...with masks and no hugging, but I can't NOT see him). My parents are in different states. I've rescheduled trips to see them all a few times now. I hate that I can't check on them in person. I miss them. I miss my siblings and my friends and my clients. This is everyone. I am not unique in this situation. I actually wish I was...that not everyone was going through these hardships and much, MUCH worse. I can't imagine being a healthcare worker having to watch people suffer without their families. I can't imagine having a loved one in the hospital and not being able to be by their side. I can't imagine working 12-14 hours a day and not be able to go home for fear of infecting your loved ones. This whole situation is unimaginable, and all we have is time to sit and think about all of it. When I go down the rabbit hole of fear and upset, I try to redirect myself with a book or a walk or even by coloring. Sometimes it works, other times, not so much.

Why am I telling you all of this? Why am I revealing what I sometimes feel is a colossal personal failure? Because it's okay. Because, if you're feeling the same way, you're not alone. It's important to know that. It's more than okay to reach out to someone and tell them that you are struggling. You can reach out to me, if you want. I understand. While I may judge myself, harshly at times, I do my best not to judge others. We're all just trying to muddle our way through an unprecedented (for us) situation. And one of the hardest things for me, is to acknowledge that even though there are others who are WAY worse off than I, it's okay to feel the way I do. It's okay to be scared and sad and lonely and whatever else it is that you're feeling. Just do your best...it's all any of us can do. And try to find something beautiful in every day, no matter how small. Sending lots of love and virtual hugs. We will get through this.